Have you ever noticed there’s two camps of thought when it comes to the famous, or infamous, New Year’s Resolution? 🤔 Either you practice the art of the New Year’s Resolution, or you think its a useless exercise. If you need a dumb definition of the term New Year’s Resolution, just click here. But as I sit here on the 1st of 2022 and contemplate how to improve such a perfect being as I, I’ve realized the lack of New Year’s Resolution fun out in the world.
So here’s a list I came up with to make sure 2022 is better than 2020 and 2021 combined! To quote a tweet from Scott Tompkins @My520Agent “Don’t be an asshole, 2022!” Please read thru my quick list. Incorporate them into the new you, or just laugh that I bothered to write these down.
#1. Dial every number by hand of every call you make in 2022
This is quite a commitment, but the act will help you remember all the numbers of people you know and call in your Contact’s List. This resolution has purpose- If you ever wake up naked with nothing by your jelly beans, you’ll know by heart the number of just the right person to call. That is if you can find a pay phone, or someone that’s willing to loan their cell phone to a naked, crazed human!
#2. Do Less Weed
Ok, so this entry is Inny’s suggestion… I included it because she has a delicate ego and may cry if I don’t. Inny is a Pot Monster; we know this. She would never slow down on her weed, even if was to save the Universe. But if you did do less weed than your doing now, you could save a few bucks, get more exercise, save some braincells, eat less snacks and unhealthy munchies, learn a new skill and maybe improve your life! I know, I know… this entry is definitely not worth considering.
#3. Use a Sock Puppet Talk to EVERYONE
This entry into my dubious list of New Year’s Resolutions is kind of a rip-off from countless movies and T.V. shows trying to be “quirky’. But consider the vast consequences of talking to every single person with a sock puppet in 2022. The DMV would be hilariously fun! Grocery shopping just got seriously interesting. And getting pulled over would otherwise ruin your day, but think of the fun you and your new Party Police Officer friend will have! If this resolution seems difficult to get into, you could start slow by calling your bank or any other service provider and talk to the representative whilst also mouthing all the words with a stinky sock on your hand. But beware, they may take issue with you trying to include Lamb Chop as an authorized user.
#4. Take Every Joke Literally
When it comes to New Year’s Resolutions, some take more dedication than others. Quitting smoking is easy, ya quitter! Try taking every single joke literally in 2022. This resolution could cost you friends, family, or even your freedom! But it would all be worth it to stick to your resolution. See, this entry is already working…(get it?)! This resolution would be a problem for me every time Inny told me to “Go Fuck Myself”. Or maybe it wouldn’t…
#5. Repurpose “Used” Toilet Paper
Gross! I’m not sure how this would, or could work, but all the ideas I keep coming up with may cause salmonella poisoning, polio, or cultural misappropriation. Help me out with this one and leave your ideas in the comments below.
So there you have it. New Year’s Resolutions NOT worth considering. One resolution you could consider is listening to TheRetro.Rocks more. We plan on a fun, dumb, rockin’ year. Yeah, I know… I slipped a salesy message here at the end, but you bothered to read this till the end, so I thought I’d capitalize on that.
Happy New Year 2022! And again, like Scott Tompkins eloquently stated “Don’t be an asshole, 2022!”
-Fil